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Posts Tagged ‘funny’

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I have something to say and it’s not pretty. I am entering uncharted waters here and my male readers may want to grab a life preserver in case they need to jump overboard. I need to get down to the nitty gritty. Men, this may be too much for you to bear, but if we can put up with the eight kajillion euphemisms you have for your peepee (yep, I said it) then you can just grin and bear it through this list. 

I hate the word menstruation. It reminds me of sixth grade sex ed and then I get visions of rubbers on bananas and start freaking the fuck out. What if the banana isn’t the right size, what if it’s too pointy, oh dear God, so many things could go wrong! *Ahem* Back on track….I am not fond of period either. I don’t know why, it’s just weird. I’m on my period…if it’s extra short can I say I’m on my comma?  Sometimes a girl needs a more discreet euphemism for riding the cotton pony so next time you’re stuck, try one of these doozies out!  

  1. Miss Scarlett’s Come Home to Tara 
  2. Trolling for Vampires 
  3. A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy 
  4. Saddling Old Rusty 
  5. Feelin’ Menstru-riffic! 
  6. Clean-Up in Aisle One 
  7. Massacre at the Y 
  8. T-Minus 9 Months and Holding 
  9. Game Day for the Crimson Tide 
  10. Panty Shields Up, Captain! 
  11. Taking Carrie to the Prom 
  12. Playing Banjo in Sgt. Zygote’s Ragtime Band 
  13. Ordering l’Omelette Rouge 
  14. Arts and Crafts Week at Panty Camp 
  15. Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System 
  16. Aunt Floe is visiting
  17. When the red flag flies over egypt it’s no man’s land…

What’s your favorite term for that time of the month? Happy Friday!

 

 

 

 

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Today was the awards ceremony at LW’s school to give kids their certificates for the second quarter’s academic achievements.  LW goes to a private Christian academy, so in addition to the regular awards, the kids also get awards for 100% memorization of their bible verses or passages and we sing a few “Praise Jesus, Hallelujah” songs too.  I stumble through the words and hope lightning doesn’t strike me where I stand for singing those songs.  There’s nothing worse than a hypocrite in a church!

*sidenote: I do believe in God, in fact I have a dandy relationship with the big G, I just don’t ever seem to make it to his house on Sundays. Oops*

Anywho, I digress…..this is about my fucking fabulous child and his awards, not my heathen ways. So I dropped the little tyke off in his classroom this morning – super excited because *I* was the one who brought him to school today instead of Mamacita. Then I marched over to the church and plopped down in a pew that would have a semi clear view of the stage when my shining star was up there.

In an hour and fifteen minute long ceremony, LW was on stage for ooooohhh, maybe 5 minutes. I took about 30 pictures and most of them had the head of the kid in front of me at the bottom of the frame. He wouldn’t sit still! Plus LW could see me with the camera and was not having any of my stalkerazzi biznass, so here’s what’s left…

“No! No more pictures! I want to be left alone!” img_9909

“I’m bored. Hey I can wave this piece of paper around or….I can go hands free!” img_9912_21

Finally, my shining star!

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When all was said and done, LW ended up with two awards – Perfect Attendence and Perfect Citizenship. We missed a phonics award because of one goobered assignment and he is thisclose to A/B Honor Roll – no easy task when you are learning cursive handwriting in kindergarten! Maybe next quarter…..

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I’m a Little Busy Right Now….

I’m taking a free day. I have no obligations today, no to do lists, nothing. Nada, zip, zero. So I’ll see you tomorrow!

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My LOLCat is guarding the door….please reschedule with him.

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I read parenting books. Lots and lots of them and nowhere in those books do they prepare you for dealing with the insanity that can spew forth from the mouth of a five year old boy.  Tell me, does this look like the face of a boy who has an iron grip on sarcasm and wit?

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No? Well how about this one?

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Yep. LW’s suddenly hopped on a little pedestal and he’s attempting to run the show around the Digital household. Here’s a sample of his verbal barfage….

The other day he was out on the trampoline and decided he didn’t need to come inside to use the bathroom, instead he just peed off the edge….um, whatthefuckisthiskidthinking? Oh hell to the no. So, Nana caught him and read him the riot act. This is the conversation that followed.

Nana:  ….and that is final.

LW:    Nana, I am done with this conversation! (Hands on hips)

Nana: Excuse me?

LW: You know Nana, you can be replaced.

LW: Effective IMMEDIATELY

LW: As in tomorrow! What do you think about that? 

*Please note that he said all of this with his nose in the air and foot tapping*

Nana: (Stifling snorts and giggles) I think you can play in your room by yourself and THAT is final.

END SCENE

The kid also has a wicked sense of humor. He loves to tell jokes and lately he has been making up his own.  Unfortunately, he is five and many of them end with a punch line involving poop or vomit, sometimes (if you’re lucky) a combination. The other night he was giving me a sample of his stand up routine and when I failed to laugh, he said, “Don’t you get it Mom? Poop on your head?”

*blink*

*blink*

When I failed to respond with anything but an annoyed stare, I got the snare drum “bah-dum-dum!” 

Seriously, I may need to get the kid an agent!

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A day off!

“I cannot go to school today,”

said little Peggy Ann McKay.

I have the measles ans the mumps,

a rash, a gash and purple bumps….

– Shel Silverstein

Some days you just need a break. Today is one of those days. After a crappy couple of days at work, I pulled the “call in dead” card and decided to stay home. Hey, it’s not like I don’t have a ton to do! Look at this list….

  • Write blogs for Friday, Saturday and Sunday
  • Plurk
  • Final Exam for my Cognitive therapy
  • Pack for Phoenix
  • 4 other homework assignments
  • Plurk
  • Google Reader
  • Library with LW
  • Lunch with DigitalRob
  • Plurk

As you can see, I have A LOT to do today. Tomorrow Mamacita and I leave for a whirlwind trip to Phoenix. Here’s where you’ll be able to find me this weekend….. Bookman’s

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That’s right, rows and rows and rows and rows of books for me to touch, see, smell and buy!

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Tuesday was a horrifically shitty day. From 11:00 on I cried, then calmed down, cried, calmed down….I came home in a foul mood, turned on the interwebs and BOOM!! Thank you Natalie Dee. Her comics make me laugh even when I just want to curl up in a ball and these made me snort out loud because they remind me of me!

nobody-will-be-able-to-get-close-enough-to-talk-to-me-when-i-wear-this-scarf and

pile-of-failure

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if-im-not-huggin-ya-dont-stand-close-enough-for-me-to-hug-yaMuch love to Natalie Dee!

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