Posts Tagged ‘embarrassment at my own hand’


I am fresh out of blog ideas today.  I was perusing my great big book of blog ideas and came across a page that said “Just Confess!”  I wrote a blog post from the lovely Not a Mean Girl a couple of months ago, so I am going to recycle it for you guys, with a few added details! Away we go….

My paternal grandmother died nine years ago and at her funeral I almost tipped her open coffin over….take a moment to digest that. Now here’s the story….

My grandmother was a pet lover, just like me. I’m sure that’s where I inherited my need to have many furries around me at all times! When I was very little, my grandmother had an apricot toy poodle named Bianca. I don’t remember much about Bianca except that she always wore a “diamond” collar, was extremely yappy and I was always afraid I was going to get bitten!

When Bianca died, my grandmother had her cremated and she kept the ashes in a little urn on the bookshelf. Next to the urn she kept a little stone replica of Bianca in a little basket. Stone Bianca wore real Bianca’s collar and my grandmother made sure she kept a Milk Bone cookie underneath Stone Bianca at all times.

Flash forward several years to the funeral…..

There’s my grandma, lying peacefully, having passed away at the ripe old age of 95. Next to her side in the casket was Stone Bianca in her little basket. As I stood there saying my goodbyes, I found myself staring at the little stone figure and it suddenly became extremely important to me to make sure that Stone Bianca had a Milk Bone to take with her on her trip to the great beyond, so I leeeeeeeeaaaannnneeedd carefully across my grandma to lift Stone Bianca out of her basket.  In my defense, I had no idea those little fucking dogs were so heavy and I may have stumbled forward. Into the casket. The casket resting on one of those wheeled carts. Those collapsible, wobbly wheeled carts. Shit.

ROCK ROCK ROCK ROCK ROCK ROCK went the casket as time stopped. I watched in slow motion as the casket rocked back and forth threatening to topple over. Fan-fucking-tastic. I was about to see the body of my 95 year old grandmother toppled to the ground in a heap all because I had to look for a goddamn Milkbone. Really? Areyoufuckingkiddingme?

Fortunately, karma was on my side that day and the casket FINALLY settled back into place. I turned around and let out a deep breath, looking up to see both of my cousins looking at me with huge grins on their faces, trying very hard to hold back the gales of laughter I knew were threatening both of them.  I shot them both dirty, threatening looks – very scary since I am all of 5’4″ and they are both well over 6′ tall. Nine years later, they still this story every time we’re together. We laugh and clink beer bottles toasting Grandma and both of the Biancas. Isn’t that what family is all about?


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