Breaking up is hard to do. I hate it. It makes me break out in a cold sweat. I get sick to my stomach and just want to run away. In high school, I never broke up with a boy unless he was a total asshatdouchebagfucktard. Instead, if I decided things weren’t working, I would become extremely disagreeable and unavailable until I got dumped.
*WHEW*
I didn’t have to start the confrontation and all my friends knew I was the real dumper, even if I was WAAAAAYYY passive-aggressive about it.
I’m not in high school anymore. I’ve been married for nine years, so it’s been a long time since I’ve had a break up in my life. But today, I’m doing it. I’m breaking up with a friend. This “friend” has been causing mommy drama in our little circle of friends for months and I am the last man standing. Everyone else has dumped her and moved on, but I kept thinking maybe she would change. Maybe you need a little history….
I met Barbie when her son, Kenny, was in LW’s preschool class. She was sweet and funny and we had some good times together for a few months. One day I notices that she was always badmouthing people to make herself sound better. She said nasty things about mutual friends, and not even her husband was safe from her snide comments. Then she started spewing the nasty about some moms I hadn’t been introduced to. I met these moms at a playdate with my preformed opinions that they were all stuck up beyotches that I woud hate.
Well, well, well….upon getting to know these moms, I have found none of what Barbie has said to be true. I am not stupid, I knew if she was badmouthing our friends to me, she was badmouthing me to them. Whatever, I’m a big girl, bring it on.
Recently I found out that not only has she been attacking me, she has been saying nasty things about my son and the way Digital Rob and I choose to parent. ‘Scuse me? Game on bitch. You can fuck with me all you want, but you WILL not talk smack about my family when your own is so far from perfect.
I tried to just ignore calls and remain non-committal about playdates when I saw her out and about, but she just will not get the hint. This is the e-mail I am sending:
No, I am not calling you back. I did hear that Babyboy was in the hospital, and I hope he is feeling better, but I also heard what you said about all of the people who didn’t call to check up on him.
For months I have listened to you say nasty things about every single person we know, and I’m not stupid, I knew you were talking about me behind my back too. What you seem to have forgotten or failed to realize, is people talk to each other. Over the past few weeks, I have had several people tell me things you have said not only about me, but also about LW and some of the ways we choose to parent. That’s out of line and I have had enough.
I’m sorry, but from my point of view, 90% of the drama surrounding you has been started by you. I’m not sure why you thought you could say such horrible things about all of your friends to multiple people and nobody would find out.
Until now, I have defended you at every turn and I’m done. I’m sorry but I am tired of the drama and I am choosing to remove myself from the situation.
I need advice peeps…..what do you think? Is the e-mail ok? Too mellow? Too harsh? What would you do?
I might add, “Don’t call me. Don’t email me. I really am done.”
It’s just right. You done good.
Still, sorry you had to do this at all.
I would hit the send button on that email!!!
Yes exactly what NAMG said. I think you nailed the email, go ahead and hit the send button!
Yep, you nailed it.
Succinct and to the point. As for how harsh? I don’t know the woman involved so there is no way I can answer that. Sometimes, you just gotta be hard. Tough love.
P.S. Kiss my fluffy white ass.
Too much?
Knowing who this person is and having seen/heard her in rare form on at least three occasions, I must say good riddance to her and all her “junk.”
Giggles. I had to say it.
I think you did an outstanding job of maintaining an even hand in a potentially volatile situation (read: I’d want to lose my mind if someone assaulted my children). Really, very well done.
The only things I would look at again are:
“and I’m not stupid, I knew you were talking about me behind my back too”
and
“I’m sorry, but from my point of view, 90% of the drama surrounding you has been started by you.”
Those are comments more likely to lead to a response, in other words opening a door where you are trying to close one. They are things she can try to dispute because they are to whatever degree speculative. I try to leave a few loose ends as possible when I sever ties with someone.
I know its nit picky, but, you asked for advice and I’m a boy… this is what we do
I completely agree with sorenj-Short and to the point is better because it makes it seem like you aren’t defending your decision to her but simply communicating it matter of fact. The rest of it is excellent…way braver than me.
I think you’ve done an excellent job saying what needs to be said. I also think @sorenj has a good point about taking out things that will make her try to argue back with you.
If you don’t mind more critique, I’d suggest in addition to @sorenj’s suggestions, taking out 2 more parts, the words “I’m sorry” in the last paragraph, and this whole paragraph:
I’m sorry, but from my point of view, 90% of the drama surrounding you has been started by you. I’m not sure why you thought you could say such horrible things about all of your friends to multiple people and nobody would find out.
Saying I’m sorry puts you in a position of weakness, since sorry usually designates fault. It’s not your fault, so you don’t have a reason to be sorry. Plus, saying “I’m not sure why” makes someone want to explain why.
Ken adds that if she cared about you, she wouldn’t be doing the things that she’s doing.
I’m sorry you’re having to go through this and think you’ve written a much better letter than I could have. I’d be begging Ken to write it for me.
Email it Chica… well said. And, as Soren said – men have been doing this for years and so have I. It is freeing and keeps the bs from cluttering up your life.
Excellent!!
with my legal training, such as it is, I would refrain from giving her anything in writing. She could use it at a later date to present you in a less than complementary light, and you know she will try.
Nothing is required, just turn and walk away.
When I had to break up with a friend recently, I found it helpful to sleep on it. It took some of the energy out of it, but it really helped me focus on what the core of the issue was, the fact that I didn’t see that issue going away and, as a result, the relationship couldn’t continue.
I am sorry that this chick is an apparent douchebag. You deserve more cool friends like…hmmm…me. Yep, that’s it.
I think your version would be about #10 or 15 … but this closer to what my final draft would be:
I heard that Babyboy was in the hospital, and I hope he is feeling better.
For months I have tolerated the way you speak about people we know. From my point of view, 90% of the drama surrounding you has been started by you. In the past, I defended you and ignored the snideness regarding our mutual friends.
What you failed to realize: people talk to each other. I knew you included me in your snark, but recently I was told about comments you made regarding LW and our parenting tactics. Now I am telling you: You are out of line.
I hope you find peace and happiness in your life. Please do not include me in any further communication.
Goodbye.
BTW – #10 or 15 as in … I would have started out with a *very* bitchy email, because that’s how I work things out!
And, I like the postscript that @CajunVegan added – perfect! *L*
late to the party, but I’ve also been there with such friends. Sorry you have to go through this — it sucks, but it’s part of life. To be honest, I’m rather with Bronsont on this one, though — I try not to leave a paper trail of stuff in sticky situations. Sometimes silence speaks volumes — as does ignoring a person.
What a biatch! I’m so sorry you had to go through this. And I want a shot at her for saying bad things about you and your family!
It’s unfortunate that you were in this situation, however, I believe that you will be better off without this person in your life. Your email was great. It was to the point. Not too hard and not too soft. Good Luck to you.
I think this was great! Glad you sent it off! If she responds or calls, do not respond to that, you told her you were done, stand behind that. You have nothing to defend, you know where you stand.
Way to go!
I’m so sorry this relationship has exploded like this. You have really bent over backwards to make it work. I admire your refusal to exclude anyone.
But enough is enough.
No matter how much you love them, some people are just toxic.
Congratulations for making a huge step towards real self care and well-being. I’m proud of you!
You nailed it honey. You couldn’t sugar coat, cause she just wouldn’t have gotten it.
Now you can sit back and listen to her screech at your remaining friends about the gall you had to call her on her s*.
You go girl.
I’ve had to break up with a friend…And oy, I’ve been there. I know you didn’t ask for this but let me just point out that most of the people who will bad mouth others can’t have more than one BFF at a time, even if it’s in a “group”. The friend that I had to dump has gone through 3 bffs since OUR “breakup” and bad mouths every single person in her life.
My suggestion to you is this:
Send the email BUT do NOT let her rope you into an exchange. You said what you needed to say. It’s done. The kind of person that she is, she might keep egging on and defending herself while putting YOU down.
You don’t need that.
Take out the paragraph that starts with “I’m sorry but 90%…”…that’s unnecessary for your purpose & have the last line only say: ” I am tired of the drama and I am choosing to remove myself from the situation.”
Hope I wasn’t out of line…those are just my .02
I haven’t read the other responses but take out the I am sorry part.
That gives her hope.
I am done is enough.
And make sure you make it clear that you want no more contact.
You go girl, you should be proud.
Thank you all so much! I took out the “I’m sorry’s” and the “I’m not stupid….” no response yet and honestly I don’t expect one. We only have one mutual friend left and I will not discuss this with her.
I’m sure she will have had an earful about what a raging bitch I am by tomorrow. Oh well…..she’ll have to figure it out because I am not stooping to Barbie’s level….
Thanks again! I love you all……
Good grief. I hate dealing with people like this. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Good for you for standing up and removing yourself from this drama. I think the letter is great and to the point. Send.
I would also add (a bit late for any suggestions on how to revise it, since you’ve sent it I see) a filter to your email program of choice to auto delete her emails. If you’re anything like me, just getting a response will force me read it and reply, because I just can’t let this sort of shit go and would have to have the last word.
I think it’s a very well-written letter. Good for you!
I have a new favorite word.
asshatdouchebagfucktard